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June 30, 2008
discipline
Ian's new skills have brought us into new realms of parenting. He can get into everything. Sometimes what he is trying to do is amazing, his combination of physical strength and problem-solving skills are mind-boggling at times. Sometimes, it's a day full of moving him across the living room away from the "no," and having to repeat that process ad nauseum. Elanor doesn't get as many no's because she's not nearly as mobile, and in general she can be redirected more quickly than he can.
So far, we've only set up a very limited number of no's, some of them of a more serious nature than others: don't touch the DVD player, don't turn over the living room table, don't pull your sister (or brother's--we've realized Elanor can be the silent but deadly instigator here) hair.
Jonathan's post really made me think through some thoughts that have been bubbling through my mind lately.
With pregnancy, there are variations, but most of the advice can apply to most pregnancies. Don't drink, smoke, etc., eat well, and so on.
When it comes to parenting advice, especially in regards to discipline, advice runs the gamut. From people we know in real life, to blogs I've visited, to parenting experts, there are so many conflicting voices. Plus some of the books by experts subtitle their works to indicate that this (and only this?) is parenting "God's way." Some say that you should "always" discipline this way. Others say you should "never" use this technique. And sometimes I feel like we're fumbling our way through the always and nevers trying to find what's best for our family.
The thing is, though, every parent is different, every child is different. Though there are principles that can be applied across the board, I don't think there will ever be one system that fits everyone into it. Already, we're seeing that Ian and Elanor have very different personalities, and that we'll have to handle them in different ways. It's hard, even when tone of voice and redirection are the main discipline tools we're using right now. It's trying to find the right tone of voice that shows I'm serious (no, this is not a game!) without breaking his heart. There are certain tones of voice I use that just crush his little spirit. I want an obedient child, not a squished one!
I really like this. About how it's too easy to idolize having the perfect family, and putting that in the place of Christ's work.
I also appreciate those who remind that the goal of discipline is part of discipleship. Not that punishment won't eventually be part of that, still thinking through all of that, but that discipling and training our kids is the focus, rather than punishing them.
And our old pastor's reminders that believing in the covenant, we have no place treating our kids as "vipers in diapers." He also said, right before our children were baptized, that apologizing to our kids when we make mistakes is one of the most powerful discipline tools we have, and that it's best to get a behavior to change using the gentlest means possible to accomplish that change--anything else is overkill.
And after a discouraging days of no's and redirecting, when I was greatly longing for immobile babies, I appreciated Tim's reminder that Ian's mad skillz aren't things to be discouraged about, they're things to rejoice in. He's growing up!
And, the other day, after telling him "no" as he crawled ever closer to the DVD player, he stopped, looked me in the eye, and turned around. I was astonished--he had a choice, and he used his will to make the right choice.
Thinking , deux bebes , family | By Tim and Jo | 11:59 AM
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Comments
This is so true. My whole idea of disciplining changed drastically between my first child, Ben, and my second, Isaiah. (I am now momma to four.) Their temperaments were totally different: what worked for B did not work for Z, and I hated the yelling that was happening. I was like, I cannot go the next twenty years parenting like this! I can't remember where I heard it first, but realizing that the point of discipline was discipling totally changed my approach. And I respected who my kids were for the first time. Love TG's post. Adventures in Mercy had a really interesting post about 'vipers in diapers' too.
Posted by: Joy at July 1, 2008 2:31 PM
We've come to this point with Paul now too. He has been throwing scary little tantrums lately, and it makes me feel like there ought to be some advice out there somewhere about what to do about it. All I can find is one method or the other neither of which help. Some people telling you to let your child lead you in everything (which was kind of fine as a baby, but not now) so that he will be attached to you and trust you, but gentle coaxing is not effective enough when a child runs out in front of a car, especially if the child is not used to doing what he's asked. Other methods are about making a child do whatever you demand and whatever is most convenient for you starting from day one, but little ones do have real needs that shouldn't just be ignored because it is inconvenient and I don't feel the need to crush his spirit. I liked your post. I usually just lurk about people's blogs and never leave comments :-) Take care, Amy
Posted by: Amy at July 4, 2008 9:11 AM
Aww, how frustrating about the tantrums, Amy.
It's true, sometimes it feels like there are two poles of parenting advice, and I'm sure a lot of people are a little more comfortable towards the middle, but it's hard sometimes to find good, sound, middle-of-the-road advice, too.
Like there are some things with Ian that we can patiently take our time in creating boundaries, gently redirecting/distracting/etc. But there are other things, like painful attacks on his sister that have to be nipped in the bud quickly and clearly.
It's just so hard to know sometimes what the best approach is, and whether you've used the best approach in afterthought.
Anyways, Paul is really cute-it was fun to see him, even if briefly, when we were back up your way a couple months ago.
Posted by: Jo at July 7, 2008 3:03 PM